“Be that as may be….”

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If Aengus were here, he would be looking out at this sunrise. The sunrise itself brings him back in my mind; I think of him out on the balcony, peering through the opening, or indoors and behind the curtain, gazing through the glass door.

The blog is not a place for mourning–it forces words too much, unless I turn it into a picture-diary, which I don’t want to do either. So this will be short.

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Thank you to everyone who sent me kind words and thoughts. My sadness comes in spasms. I ask myself whether I could have done something, either in Aengus’s last minutes or earlier. The answer is “maybe.” There is no getting rid of it; it just hangs there.

I am grateful that he had such a good life and (as far as I know) did not go through prolonged pain. Also that I was there when he died; it would have been even more distressing–for me, and possibly for him too–to have it happen when I was away.

Minnaloushe is thrilled with her new dominion: chasing after invisible things, rolling over, purring. In Aengus’s last few days, they competed more fiercely than usual for attention; if I so much as stroked one on the head, the other would push forward for the same. I do not plan to have another cat, as long as I have Minnaloushe; she seems happier by herself, and there is no replacing Aengus anyway.

I do not know what Aengus saw through that beautiful eye of his–but sometimes it seems that all the things, sunrise and leaves and all, still keep some of his gaze.

 

I took the photo at 6 a.m. today. The title of the post is a quotation from Robert Frost’s “Never Again Would Birds’ Song Be the Same.”

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